While holding the baby, she is.

A missive from the early months when he always wanted be in my arms, but never in a carrier.

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While holding the baby she is: clicking the power button to see the time: 5:01 am • dabbing Polysporin onto stitches under a dressing • buttering toast that slides away on the plate • tucking baby feet away from the flanges • texting a wood supply company • washing a bottle nipple • clicking the power button: 12:37 am • putting on mascara • darting around the baby’s head to see the keyboard • untying double knotted hiking boots • attaching a duckbill to a flange • donning socks • doffing a sweater • pushing the dog’s face away • pulling an IV pole alongside her feet • hiking up her bra • clicking the power button: 10:55 am • opening the dishwasher, backing up to avoid the steam • pushing up her glasses • squatting without bending, to pull out a towel from the bottom shelf • attempting to unlock her phone with wet fingers, being rerouted to the numbered passcode • tying her hair back • miming • bouncing to a pop mix for the vestibular input • opening the front door to a delivery • flinging laundry to fold it • holding sticky fingers away from the screen • holding tiny fists away from the pump cords • pouring the milk from one bottle into the other • pulling medicine into syringes • laying blankets on the baby scale and hitting Tare • clicking the power button: 4:43 am • going pee • stirring pasta • attempting to throw a sleepsack flat onto the bed • pulling a wet wipe, receiving four • banking • calling a fellow parent • calling her parent • pushing the talk to text button • wiping off the counter • drinking water • rocking • swaying • moving the car seat straps up and to the sides • moving the car seat straps up and to the sides, again • moving the car seat straps up and to the sides, a third time • linking the high chair straps over the backrest • shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shhhhhh • clicking the power button: 2:19 am • rifling through drawers • opening mail • opening car doors • guiding arms into sleeves • guiding hands into gloves • guiding toes into socks • using talk to text to say “sorry that was talk to text” • opening the fridge door to feed the cat • dropping the dry laundry into the hamper • hurling the wet laundry at the back of the dryer to ensure clearance • spooning yoghurt • stabbing at evasive penne with a fork • spilling coffee • filling the kettle • filling a water bottle • filling a pot • slamming the microwave door • resetting the oven clock • folding the laptop shut • mixing Metamucil • mixing baby oatmeal • clicking the power button: 3:12 am • pushing down and twisting to open the lid, hissing “My GOD” • twisting caps off baby puree pouches • pointing at people in photos on the fridge • pointing at people through the window • pointing at people in the mirror • petting the dog’s ears • grabbing the dog’s collar • pushing a stroller, reciting “see it’s okay, we can walk like this too, yes we can, mama’s here” • shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shhhhhh • clicking the power button: 11:43 pm • pulling a glove on with her teeth • easing a glove off by shoving it along her thigh • looping the string of a Christmas ornament onto the branch • fluffing pillows • flinging back the duvet • shutting the door • opening the door • rolling out the tummy time mat with her foot • carrying the pump, bra, phone, and 16 hour bottles to another room • muting herself on a Teams meeting • unmuting and saying “sorry my baby is talking, but if you can hear me, I just wanted to add” • clicking the power button: 11:39 pm • hiking up her bra • shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shhhhhh • clicking the power button: 4:14 am.

While holding the baby.